I realized I was gay the middle of sophomore year. I gained the biggest crush on a girl who I knew from the wrestling team and I thought she was everything I ever wanted. She was pretty, strong, tall, sweet, and very respectful. So I would say to myself “ I literally think I’m in love.”

I eventually told her how I felt about her, she felt the same way. We began talking for about two weeks. Although things cut off because I was still closeted while talking to her so we couldn’t do much I will forever be grateful for her because she is the reason I realized I was gay.  

It’s tough being in the closet, you can’t really go out anytime you want with your partner, you can’t be on the phone with them unless you hide it quickly, you can’t really do anything if your in the closet. Sadly, I myself am still in the closet at the moment because I cannot come out till I have graduated. 

My name is Zainab M, I am an 18 year old senior at Bowie High School, and I am Muslim. I grew up with 5 older brothers, 1 older sister, and I have 1 little brother and 1 little sister. My family is very old school and cultural especially my parents because they believe in all of the old traditions and in this case, same sex marriage or even the thoughts of it , is a sin and that is why I am still in the closet.  I never fight them when they speak their opinions nor do I fight my siblings about it because it will only make them more curious , so I just smile and nod as I have been for almost 3 years now, it hasn’t been easy.

Im currently fighting an arranged marriage situation, because since I am now 18 in my culture my father says I should have been married like my mother and sister were at my age. So he has found someone who wants my hand in marriage and expects me to marry him regardless of how I feel about it, But I am not going to let that happen. 

Do I see myself getting married one day? Of course I do, but I want to marry someone who makes me happy, cares for me, treats me well, and someone who I know I’m genuinely going to love.. Like a girl.

I imagine my wedding day all the time, two beautiful girls in two beautiful dresses, a white sand beach, amazing music playing, and as we kiss fireworks go off behind us marking a lifelong commitment to each other. But I can’t get what I dream for until I have fought for it all. I must work so hard for the things I want in life, especially this. 

But, I can’t do this until I have come out to my family. I plan to do it very soon as I do not want to live a lie for another 18 years of my life. 

My plan to come out has the basics:  I need to have enough money saved if I don’t have a job at the time, I need to have all of my important documents incase of emergencies, and I need a car. All of these things will give me a good enough start up and prepare me for the road that will be coming to me.

I know that this means that I need to work twice as hard and be alone for a long time because if I have come out to my family I will no longer have communication with them which is going to hurt so bad but it will be so worth it in the end of time if I am happy. , 

And its going to happen.